Songs

The songs you played in the car, they left a special place in my heart.

I remember when you practice riding the car and taking me with you. I’d always be glad because that means I got to go to the bookstore in the department store in the town. That’s how I got my piles of comic collection.

I never regret the past. You know, when someone asked, “What would you do if you can go back in time? What do you want to change?” I’d say, nothing. I don’t regret the past, I’m not going to change anything.

But if I can really go back…

I would go back to those days. Our simple days, riding in the car on the weekend. I won’t say a thing, I won’t do anything. I will sit still at the front seat while you’re handling the steering wheel.

And we will let the songs keep playing.

 

 

Your new chapter can start anytime. Anytime.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about how I feel towards a man who needs to start his life all over again as a grown-up, as a man in the age where he should have been able to settle up.

Again, God has taught me a lesson.

I was in my laboratory room with my senpai. We were talking about her trip to London, in which she also met her brother there.

“Your family is everywhere in the world! Your brother is in UK, your cousin in US, your parents in Vietnam, and you’re here with your husband and daughter…” I laughed, impressed.

“My parents are not in Vietnam anymore. They have moved to US.”

My friend told me how her parents are enjoying their life in US. Apparently, they have US Green Card, so they’re allowed to have property. They live in a house with a garden, where my friend’s father likes to do his gardening. Every once in a while, he updates my friend about his plants.

“Meanwhile, I can only say that a potted plant in my balcony grows some centimeter since last month!” She said, laughed. In case you don’t know, apartment rent in Tokyo is so expensive and the size of the room is relatively small. Having a garden here could be considered as a luxury. But some people like to keep potted plants in front of their house (or in the balcony, if you live in an apartment).

Anyway, I found it very impressive that my friend’s parents leaving the country they have been living all their life and moving to a completely new place, having to adapt themselves again to everything new around them (actually I don’t know if they have been moving around before, but considering they’re Vietnamese, I assume they’ve been living there for a very long time since they were born).

And by the way, they’re 60 years old something. Isn’t that amazing?

I thought that’s the age where you want to settle with everything you’ve built up until now. Staying with your family in a house, having your children visiting you with your grandchildren, hanging up on the weekend with your long-time friends, it sounds so comfortable, right? There’s no need to adapt yourselves to the unexpected because they have been a part of your life for a long time. It’s wonderful, but it might not be the same for everyone. It will be wrong to judge other’s life based on this normally perceived idea of life.

After hearing my friend’s story, that’s when I realize that maybe there is no age where everything has to be settled… You can start a business you’ve been dreaming of at the age of 40. You can meet someone at the age of 50 who will make you change the way you think of something. That’s not impossible, because you can even move somewhere across the Earth at the age of 60 and start your life again!

Maybe, a new chapter in your life can start anytime as long as you’re still alive. That’s okay. That’s just the way life is.

Meaningful Relationship

Recently I came across a video from youtube that talks about ‘The Golden Rule for Meaningful Relationship.’ It’s a very insightful talk so I will put the link below at the end of my post.

One of my dreams is to have meaningful relationships with people. Is it weird? I realized that having a meaningful relationship with another human being makes me happy and it’s easier for me to be more kind, compassionate, and thoughtful of others when I’m in a good state of condition. It’s easier to share happiness with others when you’re a happy soul.

What does relationship mean to you? The video told me about the most beautiful definition of the relationship that I have ever heard.

A relationship is a space between two people.

We all want a deep, intimate relationship. The golden rule for that is to be authentic. To be true to yourself. To be genuine. To have the courage to show our true colors; our values, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes.

It can be scary sometimes, you know. I’m not really good at showing my true self in front of people (writing in the blog is easier because here I can be as honest and true as possible). There are times when I prefer not saying a word instead of saying what I really think in order to keep harmony. But keep in note that being authentic should not be mistaken with being insensitive. I think it’s also important to think of how our action and words can affect other people.

In my understanding, being authentic means a balanced point where you have the confidence to present yourself while also being aware of how your presence can affect those around you.

Now that I think about it again, it makes so much sense that authenticity is the key to have a meaningful relationship. When you’re in a relationship, what does it mean to you? To me, it’s when two people can learn from each other and grow up together. Stay for each other in good or bad times. For a person to learn something from you, you need to show your qualities. It’s impossible to happen when you’re being fake. If you want to be lovable then you have to show the qualities that make you deserve the love… and love first, instead of waiting for someone to love you!

Until now, I’m grateful for the relationships that I have worked on. After all, a relationship is easy to start but always difficult to maintain. It’s very interesting to work on the space that you have between a person and see how close can you be. For example, I have known my piano teacher for 10 years. She could just be someone who taught me piano if I only came to the class solely for learning piano. But we talked a lot. About a lot of things! Me sharing my stories in school or college, or her sharing her stories about her kids, students, or herself. Our relationship became more than just a student-teacher. To me, she’s a friend and someone who presents a figure of a mother.

This kind of layers in a relationship is fascinating and, well, very meaningful to me. I thought that one day I want to have a splendid encounter with someone very special, fall in love with him, and spend the rest of my life with him (I still hope for this! Haha). But a meaningful relationship is not only restricted to one. It’s also not restricted to only your life partner and family. I think we all can have a meaningful relationship with anyone.

From now on, I want to pay more attention to the space that I have with everyone around me. I don’t want to miss any chance of forming a meaningful relationship with others.

The Golden Rule for Meaningful Relationship

It’s like playing puzzle, except that it’s not fun. At all.

I started to see the bigger picture, connecting the puzzle pieces that finally came one by one. Realizing the little moments that meant bigger than they seemed.

As the puzzle come into shape, my heart breaks into pieces, little by little.

I’m confused about my feelings. I can’t find the right words to explain them. Questions start to rise in my mind;

what does it mean to be happy over your loved one’s happiness?

is it right to be happy when that happiness is breaking someone else’s? (the person who is also dear to me)

is it okay to actually be sick of it?

I can’t force myself to smile. The thought has been a burden I’m trying to bury, but somehow they always find a way to appear on the surface and make my mind wander somewhere else.

It’s the kind of situation I never imagine to happen. It sucks, but at least I can always find peace when talking to Him, as He’s the only One I can depend on right now, the only One who can provide peace to my anxious heart.

 

How does it feel to start life all over again as a man who is growing old?

To him, whose shadow has always been at the back of my mind at night.

I’m young and free. I went away from home to learn about my self, about people, about buildings, about design, about life. I live in one of the busiest cities in one of the most beautiful countries in the world. Paul Coelho might be right when he said that the universe will conspire in helping me to get what I have been dreaming.

I’m a happy, free bird flying in the urban jungle of Tokyo. I have the most amazing place to live and learn where I meet and connect with different people. I grow fond of having great companies yet I’m still very comfortable with my self.

Then the sun sets and I have my dinner.

The night gets deeper and the moon shows its dim light.

I’m safe and warm under my futon.

At that time, the play of flashback comes swiftly like a tape that rewinds by itself.

For these past months, I can proudly say that I have developed a talent of crying silently. It happens so naturally that I’m already getting used to it.

…

Forgive me, God, for I have sinned against him.

I feel bad for the words I’ve said, for everything I said or did that might have hurt someone’s heart.

How does it feel to lose everything and start your life all over again?

I’m young and free. I’m now supposed to explore and find my way. But how does it feel when you have once settled down, thinking you can grow old happily with your family, but life turns out to be unexpected and you have to start again?

I can’t imagine all the sadness, frustration, disappointment, anger, that he has to experience.

I can’t imagine the countless nights where he could not sleep because the ‘memory tape’ would rewind years of memory–the precious and the bitter ones.

If he hears the piano piece that I used to play at home, would he be reminded of the day we spend together at home? If he eats the food he used to cook at home, would he be reminded of the time when he cooked for us? If he sees a father accompanying his kid, would he be reminded of the time when he likes to pick me up?

I can’t imagine the feelings. Because I’m young and free. Because I might be a stupidly selfish daughter.

It’s very hard to move on when the memory tape always automatically rewinds itself at the back of mind, every night.

Me Time

Two days ago I went to Yoyogi Park Harajuku to take some photos of blooming sakura. I saw people in Instagram updating some blooming sakura but I just found one tree of blooming sakura?? What? Was it finished already? Or was it on the other side of the park? Actually, when I came there, it was super windy and I hated that the dust got in my eyes even though I was wearing my glasses. So annoying. Suddenly I cared less about walking around the park to catch another photo of sakura; I decided to walk to Harajuku for shopping. Honestly, I didn’t understand how those people could still have their picnic on the ground even though the strong wind was blowing dust as well.

Sakura in Yoyogi Park (1)

Sakura in Yoyogi Park (2)

I passed the LUSH store in Harajuku which only sells bath bombs. The store is unique compared to other LUSH stores… and so high-tech! There were no name, description, and the price tag on each bath bomb. You need to scan the photo of your desired bath bomb using an app in iPhone. Then, it will show its description, price, and a video demonstration of the bath bomb in the water.

Ah, how can you enter the shop and resist its wonderfully delicious smell? I bought one bath bomb home with me. My room smelled like a LUSH store for a night, haha. I want my house to smell like Aoyama Flower Market, a bread shop, and LUSH store. Lovely!

I had a relaxing and ‘romantic’ night in the bath (lol) as I turned on the playlist of ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ soundtracks from my phone (that I brought into my bathroom and sealed inside a Ziploc, haha). And have I told you that my bath bomb released some flower petals too? So pretty.

Loving the smell

 

A Note on the Bus

I’m on the bus to Kyoto. My university has a 6-days architecture tour in which I will participate in, starting next Monday. But I wanted to come earlier so I can spend tomorrow (Sunday) on a one-day trip to Osaka.

Anyway, I’m bringing my laptop and portable wifi with the intention of watching movies during this (around) 10-hours bus ride. But somehow my wifi took forever to load. So I decided to write something instead. Oh, and I’m taking a Willer bus–a pretty comfortable bus in Japan–where the space in front of your seat is wide enough for your feet to move and relax; power socket in your seat; a canopy above your head to cover your face while sleeping (Japan is very considerate of people’s privacy and comfort, isn’t it). BUT, the power socket in my seat doesn’t work. I want to save my phone’s electricity so I don’t listen to music or podcast from Spotify. I tried to read my Murakami’s Wild Sheep Chase, but it made me dizzy to read inside a car. Yeah. So, I decided to write something here.

Just a short update. I have moved into an apartment in an area called Mizonokuchi. It’s around 15 minutes by train to my university. But it takes around 12 minutes walking from station to my apartment, so overall it takes around 30 minutes. During the first week of moving in, I started missing my dormitory and thinking if I made a right decision. My dormitory was pretty expensive for a school dormitory (65.000 yen per month, but it includes wifi, electricity, gas, water), but it was really good and comfortable actually. And I had a modern toilet where everything you need can be done in a single push (I love Japanese modern toilet). I only lived there for around 5 months, but I had some good memories. Like a Christmas party with the girls, or as simple as cooking in the kitchen and interacting with other residents (and became good friends!).

But I have always wanted to try living on my own. I had to. This is a part of my plan. I knew I had to do it to make myself grow up and independent. Also, living alone can teach you a lot of things.

Like contacting and making a contract with housing agent by myself! And calling electricity, water, and gas company, as well as making arrangement for the gas company staff to come and set my stove. And buying rental wifi by myself. Or some problems and questions I do not understand that I have to ask my agent/company. Or buying some furnitures in Nitori or secondhand shop and arranging the delivery by myself. And buying some stuff for my home from a nearby shop (re: Donkihote and Daiso), deciding by myself which things I want/need and will fit in my own room. All these ‘small decisions’, I believe, will help me grow up. And the best part is, I can do all of them in Japanese. It might not be something for people to praise me for (not that I hope to), but well, I am quite proud of myself! I mean, being a kid who always tails my mom around and too afraid to go to school without my mom waiting in front of the classroom until 1st year of elementary school, and growing up having other people do something for me, I did not know I would ever ‘arrange my life’ in a foreign language (moreover, my third language) in a country which is not my homeland.

Maybe I think of it too far, haha. But still. It’s progress, right 🙂 Wise people said, only compare yourself with yourself in the past. So if you think you have made a progress even though it’s little, it’s not wrong to be a little soft on yourself. Right!

Having been living in Japan for 1.5 years, the feeling now is quite different from the first time living here. Before, I was excited to see the signboard of shops in the city written in kanji, or the arrangement of housing that I saw from the moving train’s window. Every mundane thing that I saw every day as if screaming, “Look at me! I’m foreign and different! Aren’t you impressed?” But now, slowly, those mundane things started becoming normal. Well, clearly, because it’s becoming a part of my everyday life.

However, I don’t want to forget the feeling. When I look at these mundane things, I want to still be reminded that I’m in the place that I have been dreaming and praying for. I want to still be reminded to be grateful every day.

Seems like my movie starts to load. I just finished Sleepless in Seattle and How Harry Met Sally, now I’m watching You’ve Got Mail.

As you can probably figure out by my movie list, I’m a sucker for romance and a happy ending.

 

Questions to myself

What will be the biggest trial in my life?

What will be the greatest happiness in my life?

The way I understand it, everyone will have their own struggle—but at the same time, that struggle will be the same reason why we will win the ticket to paradise.

The way I understand it, God put us in difficulty not to make us troubled. Instead, He wants to make us a better human. Just like a teacher who test the students to make them step into a higher level.

A few years ago, I felt jealousy towards my own best friend. When I remember it now, I feel ashamed. At that time, of few spiritual talks I heard, one of the stories that inspired me was the story of Prophet Joseph who was deceived by his own brothers because they were jealous of him. From the story, I learned that the jealous one will never have the upper hand. (After this, I began to like Surah Yusuf and learn even more things from it).

A few months ago, I felt sad and disappointed by people who are very close with. I learned that, ironically, the one who hurt us the most is the one whom we love the most. I lost the ideal form of love that I always hold dear. Whenever I want to make myself feel better, I imagine this ‘thing,’ but now that it’s broken… ah. I’m still learning to accept that sometimes life is not the way you imagine it to be. But maybe it’s not always bad. It just means you have to adapt to a new kind of lifestyle and maybe, ‘something better’ is waiting for you.

Since that time, I was compelled to learn more to better myself. Like an urge to listen to music, there is this constant urge to listen to spiritual talks (mostly from Nouman Ali Khan, Mufti Menk, Hanan Attaki, Hamza Yusuf). Although I can’t say I have become a better person, at least I can say I’m trying to be better every day.

What will be the biggest trial in my life?

What will be the greatest happiness in my life?

What will I do after I graduate? Where will I be?

What will be the thing that makes me can’t wait for the day to come?

What will be the thing that keeps me awake at night?

What will be my greatest strength?

What will be my greatest weakness?

Who will stay by my side when things get ugly?

Now I have so many questions and no answers. I hope I can answer this one by time, as time goes by. This year I will be 24 years old and things there are many things that I worry and doubt, especially about myself. I’m scared, but I can always find comfort when I talk to Him.

How far this faith will take me?

Hello. Happy new year! How was your holiday?

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote here, which was a few days before I flew to Japan for my study. I’ve been staying in Tokyo since last September. It’s already January now, we’re getting closer to the coldest time in Tokyo! Last year it was snowing, which was quite rare to happen in Tokyo. I hope it will snow again this month. What’s winter without snow?? Only cold wind!

What can I say, living your dream is an amazing experience, I have this stronger feeling of 楽しみ every day. Living abroad also give me more self-awareness of how I live my life. All in all, I’m happy to go back here again.

However, the first month of staying here was not like how I expected. There was some family issue that broke my heart. The whole month felt like an emotional roller coaster ride. I wasn’t sure how to feel, my feelings changed swiftly from happy, positive during the day and sad, heartbroken at night before I fell asleep.

During that time, I talked a lot to God. I didn’t know what I wanted from that situation nor what was the best for everyone. I didn’t have anything specific that I asked God except I hope it will turn out well in the end for my family. So that was when I learned that praying to God maybe is not about asking for something, it just means talking to Him–pouring your honest and deepest feeling, allowing yourself to build the connection so that you be closer with Him. Well, God is always close to us, but we’re the ones who always stray and lose our way, right? So I think simply talking honestly to God is a way to be close with Him.

I also shared my feelings with my close friends, but at one point, I understand that no one really understands. No, I don’t mean to say it in a bad way. They care and love me, I know, but they’re not in my shoes. No one is able to completely understand what I’ve been through. Although I’m grateful to have someone who listens to me, sometimes I wish to be understood as well. So I learned to keep it only to myself and God, the One who understand it better than I do.

Besides that, I wrote down most of my personal thoughts on my journal. It’s more comfortable rather than sharing it in my blog.

But I still want to share some part of my self and personal experience here, just because I think internet is an amazing place when used well, and I have found a lot of inspirations through strangers who share their stories online. If anyone finds a way to come here, I hope there’s something that you can take from here.

There’s a famous opening line from Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina that says, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Every family has its own problems, but some are happier than the others. We only understand the circumstance in our own family, so it’s wrong to judge when we have zero knowledge of how other families live their life. Some human disappointed me, unfortunately. I wondered what they had in mind, but then I realized I don’t really care anyway. They can live with that and I can live without caring what they think.

I think when you fall into unfortunate events, it’s easy to focus on what you’ve lost. I say, don’t be too sad for too long. Get up and look around you; yes, you’ve lost the ideal family that you always thought you have. Yes, a couple you’ve known for so long has decided to separate ways and maybe your faith in love has broken a little. Yes, some things changed and you have to adapt yourself to even small things.

But, also look far around you! There are families traveling together in train during the weekend with a smile and happy face. There are friends who are in love with each other and decide to spend their life together.

Even in the deepest hole, it’s important to keep your faith that miracle does exist! Even when it doesn’t happen to you, it happens to other people around you, right? It happens to people you love, right? So one day it will come to you, too. I’m sure.

For those who fall into the hole too, just know that you’re not alone. I don’t know how things will turn out but I want to believe that one day the miracle will come to me–and you, too. It’s easy to believe when you have it in front of your eyes. So let’s be a little be more extra, okay? Let’s believe in a miracle even when you can’t see it. What you do will pay off, and so does what you believe. 🙂

Last Violin Class

Today had been my last violin class in Yamaha. I had been studying under his guidance for 3-4 months. Today in the class Kak Grendy gave me a lot of practice routines that I had to follow for the next months while I’m in Japan. We used Yamaha Book and Suzuki. But rather than focusing myself on the intonation, he suggested me to focus on the tempo, bow technique, and always, always practice scales! Practicing scales with different variation is really good for beginners. He made a lot of notes in my book.

He preferred me using the traditional metronome for practicing. It’s quite big and not travel-friendly at all, but using a real one (rather than a digital metronome) give a different feeling. He gave the example of reading the ‘book’ holy book and a digital holy book on the phone, the feeling is different, right? (he said so).

I think I’m quite fast at catching up the violin lessons, maybe because I used to study piano and could read music score pretty well. My struggle was to get used to the bowing (right hand) to follow the tempo. I messed up the tempo a lot. And when that happened, my teacher would quickly cut my playing.

“You’re not listening to the tempo.”

“You’re not patient enough. Follow the tempo.”

“No, no, you’re rushing.”

“You could do it just before, why couldn’t you do it now?? Try again.”

“This is too fast for me, it’s hard.” / “No it’s not. Try again. Don’t say it’s hard, that’s what makes it hard.”

Every violin students most likely know Twoset Violin on youtube. If you learn violin and don’t know, or you’re just simply interested, please check the video their channel in youtube! 😀

But I’m glad that he’s very strict about the tempo because I know how important it is! Especially when you join an orchestra. Not following the right tempo will mess up the whole thing.

My teacher suggested me to practice effectively and efficiently. For example, he gave me an example of practicing one row of scale variation. Repeat the line for 30 minutes with tempo 60, and increase the tempo to 69, 70, 80, when I get comfortable with my right and left-hand movement.

Even though it’s short, but I really appreciated his classes. I think I will miss it. He told me to practice what he said and then, after I finished Suzuki 1, go find a teacher to teach me.

Before I left the class, he said thank you and take care. He said, maybe when I come back to Indonesia, I will learn from him again. Or maybe we would meet somewhere else.

“Who knows. It’s a small world, Shabrina,” he said.

I walked to piano class in the second floor. Even though I no longer took the piano class, but whenever I went to Yamaha, I usually managed to meet my piano teacher. The class was empty, but when I walked to the stairs, Bu Dini just happened to appear.

We talked as usual in her classroom. We talked a lot, and I was actually tempted to tell her what has happened three days ago—in other words, right 7 days before my departure to Japan. An unexpected turn of life. I’m very close with my piano teacher, so I really wanted to talk about it with her. But I feel like talking about it will make me tear up, and I don’t want to cry in our last day we meet (before I go for studying abroad).

Someday I will tell you, I thought.

It’s very funny. Last year, when I went back home from my student exchange in Japan, I decided at that night that I want to continue my master degree in Tokyo. I wanted to go back and yes, of course, I really do want to go back. But what I’m feeling right now is different from what I expected. I’ve been crying a lot these past 3 days, day and night. My under-eye is a bit swollen so I have to put up with concealer. I felt my eyes a little sore, too, today.

Even so, I’m fine. I’m going to be just fine. I take pride in my positivity. I think I’m quite good at seeing the good sides of everything and not judge something quickly and carelessly. Sadness and happiness are not meant to last forever in this world. We will have to experience a wide range of emotions. Everything will make sense eventually, not now, but maybe later in the near future).

Being a religious person that I am, it puts me at ease and sanity that God is always with me during the good time and bad time. I don’t know what will happen from now on. I’m getting sick of imagining it and actually, I’m scared… why does it have to be now? It’s my dream to study abroad (back) to Japan, but I can’t be fully happy about it, you know? I feel very complicated right now. So many emotions inside me. Happy, guilty of being happy, angry, sad, disappointed, betrayed, abandoned, heartbroken, worried, horrified, anxious, love, hate.

How is it even possible for a fragile human to have a storm of emotions?

Anyway, I will do my best to go through this. When it gets hard, I know I can always speak to God in my prayers. But I can also take up my violin and practice (or go to a music studio to rent a piano). Practicing music is actually a really good way to avert me from my negative thoughts. And I get to improve my music skill as well. Killing two birds with one stone!

Nightmare

Long train journey. Narrow. Not much light. We sat on the floor. The little girl had a backpack on her. She was small, but she seemed though, especially for her age. She didn’t cry nor waver. I saw no fear nor doubt in her eyes, her movements. She took out a bottle from her backpack, I helped her drink by holding the bottle, careful not to spill anything inside a shaky train. 

Besides her was a little boy—her little brother—quiet and composed, following her big sister, the only ‘adult’ whom he knew. I didn’t know where they would go, she didn’t tell and I didn’t ask. I didn’t know why there was no grown up accompanying them. When the train stopped, I hugged her for a goodbye. Both of them continued on their journey.

 

---

 

The dream was a bit more random that above. Well, dream is always random, right? We never know how it start, jumping from one scene to another, people whose face we don’t remember anymore once we wake up, but this part of the dream, I remember clearly after waking up. I immediately grabbed my phone and took a note, exactly as written above. I could heard my heart pounding.

It doesn’t sound like a nightmare, isn’t it? But, it is a nightmare to me. Not because of what happened, but how it made me feel afterwards.

I felt lonely and anxious when I saw that little girl who was about to embark on a new journey with responsibilities in her hands. I hope she’s okay.

“What You Seek is Seeking You”

Rumi’s poems have a special ability to expand my mind. All thanks to Tania for introducing me to Rumi and thanks to Mohi for handing me Rumi’s translated book (she’s Persian, after all).

This is one of Rumi’s quote that baffles me, yet I found it intriguing:

“What you seek is seeking you.”

My first impression was, how comforting it is to be desired by the thing we desire. So it’s not a “one-sided love”, right? In the dictionary, desire is a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen. People say, a desire is something that feels bubbly and exciting when you think about it. Meanwhile, a goal is something that you have to achieve. 

You can dream high, as long as you also put as much effort to make it come true. I’m a dreamer, but for now on, I will not hold back to dream even more—as long as I also put a comparable amount of effort to it.

What you seek is seeking you in the same way you are seeking them. Otherwise, you would not have desired it in the first place. Maybe the reason why we haven’t figured out the thing that can make our life feels more meaningful, is not because we lack of talent or effort. As cheesy as it sounds, everyone is special in their own way. We just have to see within ourselves; what is it that I really want? Maybe we can have everything that we want as long as we’re willing to constantly try and change ourselves.

A Can of Drink

 

She attracts people

like a cute pastel pink can of drink

in a supermarket.

 

She is as sweet as

a mix of milk and peach

that tastes best when it is cold.

 

But a can of drink can only

quench one’s thirst

for one time;

then,

it will be thrown away

into a rubbish bin

along with other cans.

Tulus

Aku punya pertanyaan: apa yang kamu lakukan ketika nggak bisa bertemu orang yang kamu sayangi? Kamu peduli dan khawatir, tapi untuk beberapa alasan, kamu nggak bisa bertemu atau menghubungi mereka.

Dua tahun belakangan ini, aku banyak bertemu orang-orang baik yang membuatku banyak merasa bersyukur. Senang banget masih bisa bertemu rutin, bahkan jalan-jalan bareng, dengan sebagian dari mereka. Tapi sebagian lainnya nggak bisa aku temui karena jarak. Lalu, ada juga yang nggak bisa ditemui karena… ya, aneh aja kalau tiba-tiba datang cuma buat nanya kabar?? Waktu itu kami terlibat dalam suatu pekerjaan bareng, tapi kami nggak sedekat itu untuk tetap saling berkabar satu sama lain… I don’t know exactly what they think of me, but they had been so kind to me and sometimes I just randomly think of them, wondering how they’ve been doing.

When you genuinely love someone, you will think of what you can give to him/her. You expect nothing in return.

Itu yang aku pikirkan dan berusaha aku lakukan. Masih berusaha lho. Kenapa? Ya karena wajar nggak, sih, sebagai manusia, kalau kita punya ekspektasi terhadap orang lain?

Kecewa.

Meskipun kelihatannya cuma hal-hal sederhana, aku sering kecewa terhadap hubungan antar manusia. Selain orang tua yang tulus mencintai anaknya meskipun anaknya nggak memberikan kasih sayang yang sepantasnya, sebenarnya gimana sih caranya supaya memiliki hubungan yang ideal dengan manusia lain? (sorry yang terakhir tentang postcard itu aku cuma mau curhat ga penting aja wkwk. i’m talking about other expectations here).

Lalu, suatu hari, aku diingatkan Tuhan tentang berdoa diam-diam untuk teman. Dalam Islam, sebenarnya kami diajarkan untuk mendoakan orang lain sebelum berdoa untuk diri sendiri. Selain itu, ternyata para malaikat juga mendoakan kita ketika kita berdoa untuk orang lain.

“I find it really beautiful when someone prays for you without you knowing. I don’t think there’s any form of deeper and purer love.”

Waktu SMP, aku pernah suka sama orang terus kasih cokelat ke dia sampai dua kali. Yang pertama nitip temannya, yang kedua nitip satpam di komplek perumahan (ya ampun beneran geli sendiri kalau ingat itu, nggak tahu aku terlalu polos or just plainly stupid). Aku punya teman yang katanya kalau suka sama orang, dia pasti nggak berani deketin orang yang dia sukai. Kalau papasan, pasti dia pengennya langsung kabur. Cute!

Aku juga malu (atau mungkin lebih sering malu-maluin diri sendiri? haha), but most of the time it kind of frustrates me if I don’t do anything about my feelings. Aku cenderung akan mengungkapkan perasaanku dengan cara-cara yang aku tahu, dengan cara-caraku sendiri.

Menurutku berdoa adalah cara terbaik untuk membuktikan ketulusan rasa kasih sayangmu, terutama di zaman sekarang di mana tiba-tiba menyapa dan bertanya apa kabar kepada lawan jenis bisa disalah artikan sebagai tindakan modus (padahal cuma teman), dan zaman di mana bertanya bagaimana harinya dan kegiatannya akhir-akhir ini bisa diartikan sebagai basa-basi nggak penting (padahal beneran peduli).

Mungkin sekarang aku masih menjadi manusia yang punya banyak ekspektasi, tapi aku sedang belajar untuk jadi manusia yang bisa mencintai dengan tulus. Ah, sekarang nulisnya biasa aja (karena ketika nulis blog aku selalu nulis apa yang ada di dalam kepalaku, jadi ngalir aja gitu), tapi kalau nanti aku baca ulang tulisan ini, pasti agak-agak geli gimana gitu. Hueeee.

Menurutku pada dasarnya, semua manusia itu pasti akan luluh oleh kebaikan dan kasih sayang yang tulus. This world is already a mess, let’s not make it worse. Show some love and care even if you think those people don’t deserve it. Lagipula aku nggak mau jadi salah satu orang yang membuat dunia ini makin kotor.

Movie Recommendation!

Waiting for the gate to open

Recently I watched concert again with Iffa in Aula Simfonia Jakarta. This time is not classical music, though. Jakarta Symphony Orchestra played famous movie soundtracks. Interesting, right? The moment I saw ‘The Sound of Music’ on its poster, I knew I want to watch it. I’ve watched the movie several times. I LOVE ALL THE SONGS. I love the movie, too. I love the kids and the character of Maria. My Favorite Things, The Lonely Goatherd, Edelweiss, Sixteen Going on Seventeen, Do Re Mi…

The whole program turns out to be awesome, I really like their choice of songs. I want to share the list here so you can see. Actually, since my internship in architecture consultant office is about to finish, I’m thinking to watch some movies from this concert’s program… nice plan, right? Hahaha. I don’t know if I’m being too casual about this 😛 Honestly, after graduation, what I had in mind was only “I want to go back to Japan” and “Thank God finally I have loads of free time to play music!” *laughs*

Anyway, here’s the music program (aka my upcoming movie list for my ‘hibernation’):

Salute to the Cinemas: Hollywood Hotel (1937), Singin’ in the Rain (1952), The Wizard of Oz (1939), Casablanca (1942)

The Barber of Seville Overture: Bugs Bunny (1960-1975), Quartet (2012), Under the Tuscan Sun (2003), Bad Santa (2003)

James Bond Medley: James Bond (1962-now)

Christmas at the Movies: Home Alone (1990), How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000), Miracle on 34th Street (1994), The Polar Express (2004), A Christmas Story (1983), The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

Raider’s March: Indiana Jones

In the Hall of the Mountain King: Trolls (2016), Rat Race (2001). The Social Network (2010), Inspector Gadget (1983-1986)

Pomp and Circumstance March No.1: The Kingsman: Secret Service (2014), Amazing Spiderman 2 (2014), Forrest Gump (1994), Minions (2015), Peanuts Movie (2015), Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

The Simpsons: The Simpsons (1989-now)

The Sound of Music: The Sound of Music (1965)

La La Land: La La Land (2016)

Once Upon a December: Anastasia (1997)

Danse Macabre Op.40: Hugo

Star Wars: The Imperial March: Star Wars (1977-now)

Schindler’s List: Schindler’s List (1993)

Swan Lake Overture: Anna Karenina (1997), Being John Malkovich (1999), Billy Elliot (2000), Bring It On (2000), Center Stage (2000), Black Swan (2010)

Pirates of the Caribbean: Pirates of the Caribbean

The concert made me happy because all the music sounds happy and exciting

Have you watched them all?

My favorite part of the concert was when they played Home Alone’s music (always reminds me of the year-end holiday which is always a good thing!), The Sound of Music (watched this a lot, love the songs), Once Upon a December (I LOVE ANASTASIA PLUS I’M A SUCKER FOR MUSIC RELATED TO RUSSIA), Swan Lake Overture (it’s Tchaikovsky and Swan Lake, duh).

I enjoyed the concert so much! After I had ramen dinner with Iffa, it was too late to go back. My mom said it’s scary to go back alone by taxi at night. So I decided to stay over at Iffa’s place~ 😃

Connection

 

The courtyard inside Istiqlal mosque at night

 

The crowd who listen to Nouman Ali Khan

It’s amazing how time flew so fast, yet I could not recall exactly what happened before. A lot of things happened and human forgets so easily. From now on I want to record pieces of my life on this blog so in the future, I can remind myself again. It doesn’t have to be big things; I actually want to remind myself of the small things that I have. When one day I face unfortunate things (I hope not, but life is not always rainbows and happy songs), I hope I can look back and still be thankful of what I had before, rather than stuck at the moment and feel miserable.

Now I want to recall this moment when Nouman Ali Khan came all the way from the US to Jakarta and I got to come to his talk show. Last year in Japan has been a turning point for me; don’t you find it amazing how the world you’ve been living in for 22 years suddenly looks different the moment your perspective changes? That’s how I feel.

God has guided me through the good people whom I met, who have touched my heart. God has also guided me through great, knowledgeable people whom I’ve never met, and one of them is Nouman Ali Khan.

I came late to the talk show (Mohi was already there) but I managed to listen and take notes. Here’s what I learned in summary:

1. Qur’an is like an ocean. It’s ok if you don’t get to learn everything. But try to connect with Qur’an, not only by reciting the Arab text and its translation. Read/listen to its explanation, about the story and context of the verses. Listen to the recitation every day. That’s how you can connect your self with Qur’an–in other words, connect your self with Almighty God.

2. Learn Holy Book Qur’an not to teach others. Learn it for yourself. 

3. Share what you found beautiful from Qur’an to others, that’s a way to become beneficial to other people. (In here, Nouman Ali Khan jokingly said that you don’t text everyone a link of good Islamic teaching video every time. Be smart in sharing the beauty of God’s words).

4. Don’t use the words of God to hurt other people! Those hearts will not become closer to God that way and God will ask you in Judgement Day why you push away those people.

5. Qur’an brings light to people. It shouldn’t make you angry or put you in bad mood. It’s better than every materialistic thing that you collect.

After the talk show

It was my first time visiting Istiqlal mosque, actually😂 The largest mosque in Southeast Asia designed by Frederich Silaban. As I looked around the interior, I walked aimlessly to find Mohi in the crowd. Then she texted me, saying that she just went to the toilet. I told her I want to pray Ashr first. Just after I finished praying and turned my head to the left, Mohi’s face was suddenly there. Grinning.

“You scared me!” I was astonished.

She was laughing. “I looked from behind and thought maybe it was you. So I checked it and I was right!”

I was wearing mukena (cloak covering women’s head and body when praying, commonly used by Indonesian Muslim), so from behind you shouldn’t be able to tell which one is who. I mean, if the person wasn’t me, Mohi could scare a stranger by suddenly appearing in front of someone’s face. *lol*

It was super nice to be able to meet her again! Mohi is actually the first foreigner whom I made friend with. I think there’s an invisible wave connecting our heads. We’re like two minds wondering about the reality of the world and the purpose of existence and the big picture of this life (we’re SO into metaphysics :D). When you find similar mind, you find a person that you can express your true self to him.

We discussed some interesting stuff. I think I’ll write about it next time in different post. For now, here’s a glimpse of my Iranian bule. 🙂

Mohi’s happy face

I started learning violin!

My second instrument is this sexy violin

So happy! I just had my violin lesson in Yamaha near my house. It’s the same place where I had been learning piano.

I have always wanted to learn violin! But I also love the piano. We used to have a keyboard at home and I liked to explore the instrument by myself. The first melody that I played was Bach’s Minuet. Then I used to have a keyboard private lesson (i don’t remember for how long). I picked up the instrument again when I was in junior high school. Thanks to Nodame Cantabile to remind me of the beauty and joy of music. That was when I started learning piano. Even so, I knew one day I had to learn violin. I love the sound of a violin; it’s so mysterious, romantic, and sexy!

My violin teacher is so nice. He explained very well and taught me the fundamental things in learning violin. Posture is very important, i.e. the way you stand, hold the violin with your jaw and shoulder, your finger and arm position. I think learning piano before has given me the advantage of the understanding theory of music… and definitely, reading partiture. I tried to practice scale, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Beethoven 5th Symphony theme on violin and my fingers learned faster compared to the first time I learn to coordinate both hands when learning piano.

The hardest part of playing the violin is to control your right hand (bowing) because there are many variations in playing one note. Professional violinists would practice the bowing technique regularly. He taught me the basic practice of bowing for the whole 30 minutes class (bottom-middle, middle-top, whole bow). My ‘homework’ is to practice bowing with different variation each day.

“No need to do all these on the same day.” The idea is to get used to each variation and finally have a better bowing skill. When practicing piano, we use both hands for melody and accompaniment. So I found that practicing violin with a metronome is very helpful.

My violin teacher joined Twilite Orchestra, the one that Addie Ms conducted. It’s one of the famous orchestras in Indonesia. But my teacher said lately Addie Ms has been active in politics so they rarely have concert now.

I envied people who joined orchestra because they could play together with everyone in harmony! It will be wonderful if one day I can join an orchestra, too. It’s actually one of my dreams, hehe!

My piano teacher still taught there so after I finished my violin lesson, I waited on the second floor until her student left. It was another “surprise” visit from me because I didn’t tell her before that I’d show up. She looked surprised and happy and we got to talk before going home 🙂

Woman of Faith

I trust God, but I don’t trust my self.

Sometimes I feel that I don’t deserve the great blessings that I have received…

and start wondering if I deserve God’s help in making my dreams, hope, and expectation come true.

Is it what people say as lack of self-confidence?

I’m still not able to convince my self that I deserve it all, but I’m trying every day to do my best in improving my self.

To jump into the cliff with the feeling of uncertainty and fear, while still believing that God will catch me anyway, is a part of trusting God.

I’m just a normal human who sometimes doubts my self, but I want to be a person who never doubts my Lord, no matter how uncertain the condition is.

…Is this what people call as a leap of faith?

If yes, then…

I’m about to make my jump.

Went to a Piano Recital

Went to a piano recital in Erasmus Huis, Jakarta. The pianist is the winner of Franz Liszt Competition. The performance was amazing, of course, but I enjoyed Nutcracker the most (I just love Russian composer so much). When I heard Liszt, the pieces that come to my mind is Hungarian Rhapsody no.2, Transcendental Étude no.4, and Liebestraum no.3 (this one was played in the recital).

After the recital was finished, Iffa and I went downstairs to meet the pianist and thanked him for the performance. But he was surrounded by a bunch of ‘Jakartan Girls” who took selfies with him (lol). He looked so tired but still managed to smile for the camera and drank a cold canned beer. When Iffa and I could finally shake hands with him, Iffa told him we didn’t want selfies, just wanted to thank and congratulated him. And I got to tell him that I loved the Nutcracker! 🙂

Oh, now I really miss playing the piano. I want to practice diligently again.

Sakura is Blooming Again

Sakura along Meguro river, Tokyo

Amane-chan, my imouto-chan (little sister)

Nami-san (my host mother) sent pictures of sakura and Amane-chan. One year has been passed since the last time I saw sakura for the first time. Amane-chan’s skin color is pinkish white, like sakura 🙂 So cute.

To me, Nami-san didn’t just send a photo, but I feel like she remembered me even when I wasn’t there. This. Gets. Me. Every time. ♡

I really love and appreciate small gestures of kindness. Thank you so much.